the starved marriage pdf free download

the  starved marriage pdf free download

The coming of children especially seems to doom personal time for conversation between spouses, and even the time we do have is dominated by logistical talk about schedules and household tasks.

At best, we feel like effective co-managers of a family business. At worst, we feel like ships passing in the night. By the time the kids leave home, we may not remember how to be different with each other. The world has changed dramatically since those days. For Latter-day Saints with multiple children, to get a free night at home with nothing on the schedule calls for a celebration! Moreover, couples who never spend time together because they are constantly tending to the needs of their children will also be discouraged in the marriage.

Couples who spend significant and meaningful time together will have their emotional cups filled and consequently will be able to give their children much more—not less.

Moreover, couples who work with their children as a team will be much happier in their marriage relationships. We probably tend to let our children be too involved. We both face the same challenges so finding time for each other is difficult.

Even if we wanted to have a special night every week for a date, it is almost impossible because our children will have a game or activity.

There is a constant desire to spend more time together as a couple, but how? What would need to be sacrificed? What would need to be changed in the family structure? Sometimes adults and children are simply too busy, and some things need to be dropped from the schedule. At other times, couples must choose to forge ahead until the season is over. As children begin to leave the nest, husbands and wives will have more time for each other.

Do not let this happen to you! While your children are still in the home, learn to serve each other, share with one another, sacrifice for each other, and love each other.

If you do so, you will experience a high degree of happiness and marital satisfaction. However, no one can have a happy marriage without the investment of time. If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it.

You never abuse it. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it that way. If couples want their marriages to last, they must demonstrate that they value their spouses; they must view their marriages as sacred and place them as one of their highest priorities.

Therefore, couples who value their marriages will find ways to make time for each other. In the Survey of Marital Generosity, researchers reported that spouses who experience high levels of couple time were significantly less likely to report that they are prone to divorce. In fact, wives who reported having couple time less than once a week were 4 times more likely to report above-average levels of divorce proneness when compared to wives who enjoyed couple time at least once a week with their husbands.

Meanwhile, husbands who reported spending less than once per week in couple time with their wives were 2. The bottom line is that the more time husbands and wives spend together, the less likely they will be unsatisfied in the marriage or file for divorce. Researchers Wilcox and Dew have concluded that couple time leads to higher quality marital relationships because communication is strengthened, sexual satisfaction increases, and commitment is fortified.

One way to ensure couple time together is to employ rituals in the marriage. Rituals are social interactions that are repeated, coordinated, and significant to both parties in the relationship. It does not matter how often rituals are repeated—it could be nightly, weekly, monthly, or annually. But they are repeated. Rituals also must be coordinated. There must be a time and place for the ritual to occur, and, of course, both parties must know when to engage in the ritual.

Importantly, rituals must also be significant to both husband and wife Doherty, Every Monday evening after we put the children in bed, we watch Monday night football together. Other couples may believe that they have rituals in their relationship, but oftentimes these rituals are actually routines.

Like rituals, routines are repeated and coordinated. However, routines lack emotional significance. Therefore, if a couple eats dinner each night in front of the television—while the wife views the program and the husband reads the newspaper—this couple has established merely a routine that does very little to strengthen the marriage.

However, another couple may watch the exact same television program each week—together. Since this activity is repeated, coordinated, and significant to both parties, it is a ritual. The purpose of marriage rituals is to help couples strengthen emotional bonds. Individuals fall in love with each other through rituals of intimacy and connection. When most couples commenced dating each other seriously, their time together most likely consisted of romantic dinners, long talks, bike rides, skiing, dancing, going for walks, exchanging gifts, and talking on the phone for hours Doherty, , para.

Before long, babies come, along with work and church demands. Within a few short years, some good, otherwise emotionally healthy Latter-day Saint couples begin to feel that their marriage quality has fallen far below their expectations. Many husbands and wives feel that their marital needs are not being met and that marriage is less fulfilling than they had expected. Some couples become overwhelmed with time demands, responsibilities, and perhaps even guilt. Soon, their marriages become stale and stagnant.

Happy marriages are not created by accident, and couples who spend time together must carve their time out from other worthwhile activities. Rituals can restore meaning to marriages; in fact, rituals help couples to connect and stay connected. Connection rituals in marriage create opportunities for couples to share time and attention together. Examples of connection rituals in marriage include good-byes in the morning, greetings in the evening, phone conversations during the day, texting each other, eating together, verbal expressions of love and affection, working in the yard together, doing home improvements together, or eating at a favorite restaurant.

The most significant connection rituals to heal and strengthen a marriage include greeting rituals, talk rituals, and dating rituals. Healthy greeting rituals occur in a marriage when the couple meets for the first time in the morning, when one spouse has been away on a trip, or when a spouse walks through the front door after a long day at work.

Believe it or not, many spouses can walk through the front door of their homes without anyone in their family noticing. One husband reported that he would walk into his home each evening and no one acknowledging his presence. He would then go into his bedroom, change his clothes, and then read the newspaper before his wife even realized he was home.

Some couples get into bad habits of coordinating when they see each other for the first time. Eat it quick so we can get to the game. Instead of these poor greeting responses, couples should discuss the way that they greet each other after a long day apart. Examples would include a hug, a kiss, or a verbal expression. I know one couple who, when the husband would walk in the front door, they would walk, hand in hand, to an isolated room in the house where they would sit and talk to each other for ten or fifteen minutes just to catch up on the day.

If you and your spouse do not have a strong, noticeable greeting ritual, you need to create one. Establish a ritual that will mark the moment and remind everyone how much you love each other—including yourselves!

Every child needs to see his or her parents display some public affection, even if it grosses the child out to some degree.

Let there be no question in the lives of Latter-day Saint children that their parents are madly in love. Greeting rituals could include a hug, a kiss, or a verbal expression of love, a family phrase, or anything else that is significant to both spouses.

One couple confessed that that their greeting rituals were pathetic. It was typical for Jennifer or Ron names have been changed to walk into their home and not even notice each other for the first half hour. Therefore, Jennifer and Ron decided that they would create a greeting ritual that could top the dog. Today, when Ron walks into their home after a long day, Jennifer goes berserk, and Ron loves it!

Both husband and wife benefit from this ritual. Indeed, husbands and wives need to be more excited than the family dog when a spouse walks into the home after a long day away. I would recommend that you choose a greeting ritual that you can both get excited about.

Practice the ritual until it becomes a habit. Good-bye rituals are just as important as greeting rituals. A ritual that marks the parting moment for a couple demonstrates that you will miss each other and look forward to being together again. I remember as a young boy, observing a couple at the end of our street. Every morning as I walked down the street to school, this middle-aged husband and wife would be in their driveway, hugging and kissing as if he was going off to war for several years.

Of course, he was just heading off to his sales job and would return home before dinner. As a young boy, there was no doubt in my mind that this couple really loved each other. Every couple needs to establish a ritual when you are leaving each other. Find a way to tell each other good-bye that is unique, that demonstrates you will miss each other, and that validates your love for each other. Lying next to each other at the end of a long day, touching each other, and expressing love and appreciation is a perfect opportunity for prime-time connection.

Many Latter-day Saint couples understand the importance of communication; after all, that is most likely how they fell in love in the first place. Several years ago, I interviewed 15 newly married couples on the campus of Brigham Young University. Practically every couple related to me that they fell in love by talking to each other.

In fact, these couples discovered that they could talk to each other about anything, that their communication came with ease, and that they often talked into the late hours of the night about almost everything.

Healthy communication is one of the most important ingredients in a successful marriage. Unfortunately, as couples become busier, their depth of communication often wanes. Marriage scholar Judith Wallerstein explained the need for deep communication and talk rituals in marriage:. Our needs for comforting and encouragement are deep and lasting. A main task of every marriage from the early days of the relationship to its end is for each partner to nurture the other. The loneliness of life in the cities, the long commutes, the absence of meaningful contact with people have sharpened our emotional hungers.

We feel tired, driven, and needy. More than ever before we need someone special who understands how we feel and responds with tenderness.

Love begins with paying attention. A marriage that does not provide nurturance and restorative comfort can die of emotional malnutrition.

One way couples can nurture each other and renew their love is through talk rituals. Or in other words, couples need to do more than just talk; instead, they need to create moments where talking can occur without interruption. I would invite you to find a way to talk for fifteen minutes each day.

Your task will be to create those fifteen minutes. For busy Latter-day Saint couples, creating more time to be together, even if it is just fifteen minutes, can be challenging and often difficult. When couples are dating, especially when they are engaged, it is common practice to talk to each other until late into the night.

However, after marriage, the time compression is activated. The same spouse who was quoting poetry to you and singing love songs until a. However, talking about deep and significant marital issues at p. One couple recently reported to me that when they both jump into bed at the end of a busy day, they grab their smartphones and surf the Internet, read e-mail, or view their Twitter accounts until they fall asleep. This is not exactly the way to build a strong marriage.

Talking rituals can help couples stay on track and connect with each other. Your task will be to create rituals that will work for you as a couple.

One husband and wife shared a significant talk ritual in their marriage. After dinner each night, their children would clean up the kitchen while the husband and wife slipped off to the family living room. There, they would drink their favorite beverage together and discuss their day Doherty, They disciplined themselves to talk on a more personal level, sharing their opinions, beliefs, and ideas about a myriad of topics.

It was also a time to validate each other and share compliments and praise. Doherty reported that one of his finest investments was his hot tub. Fourteen years ago, he and his wife purchased a Jacuzzi and placed it out on their deck, underneath the stars.

At about p. If a Jacuzzi can enrich a marriage, then I recommend one for every couple! However, there are other ways that couples can connect, and you and your spouse should discuss a communication ritual that will be custom-fit to your present circumstances. There are a myriad of talk rituals couples can practice that will strengthen their marriages. Couples can go on walks together and talk about practically anything. Many husbands and wives often call each other at certain times during the day and text love messages to each other regularly.

One couple shared the following ritual that strengthens their marriage:. We have kept a diary of our anniversaries every year. After the kids are in bed on our anniversary, we pull out the diary, light the wedding candle that was on the altar of the church when we married, and reread the diary together. President Harold B. Lee once emphasized the perils of indifference. Men cannot become apathetic in this endeavor!

Find a talk ritual that you are both comfortable with and practice it often. I would encourage husbands to take the lead on this ritual. After she recovers from fainting, towel her off, sit her down, offer her a cool drink, and then discuss with her several realistic options and talk rituals you would like to implement in your marriage.

If you build him up and give him some confidence, he will come to enjoy your time together and desire that this ritual continue. Dating is a form of recreation that renews emotional bonds and can heal the time-starved marriage. Dating is what brings couples together initially, and steady dating can advance the relationship to engagement and marriage.

Dating provides women and men with an opportunity to talk and do something fun together as a couple. It is unfortunate that so many couples discontinue dating after they are married. This is a surefire way to snuff out the flame of intimacy in any marriage. Some couples argue that they would like to date, but with several small children, babysitters are too expensive.

To those couples, consider that babysitting is not an expense, but an investment. Besides, babysitters are much cheaper than divorces. Too often, husbands make the mistake of assuming that dates must be elaborate and expensive.

Many women have told me that they would be happy to get out of their homes for a few hours—regardless of where they go. What women—especially young mothers—need is the opportunity to step away from the chaos and be renewed. Sometimes, walking around the block or spending some casual time at a park will provide the same benefit as an expensive restaurant.

Husbands should initiate dating in the marriage relationship. I also believe that couples should also try to break out of the mold of going to dinner and a movie on each date. Elder Richard G. Scott recently spoke to students on the Brigham Young University campus regarding their dating relationships. Although I don't plan on doing anything about it, I still expect you to remain faithful. Besides averting infidelity, there are other reasons you should consider making sexuality a more important aspect of your life.

If you're like many people who are lukewarm toward or even turned off to sex, relationship issues might be a big part of what's standing in the way of your wanting to be close physically. For you, emotional disconnection to your spouse is a real libido buster.

If so, you need to know that once you start paying more attention to your sexual relationship, your spouse will become a happier person. And what does that have to do with feeling closer to your spouse emotionally?

Happy people are more enjoyable to be around. They're nicer, more thoughtful, kinder, more loving, affectionate, and more communicative. It's a simple law of human nature. You will see it in his or her eyes. You'll start getting love notes and witness random acts of kindness. Your spouse will begin to open up and be decidedly more interested in you as a person. He'll stop what he's doing to hear about something you find interesting on television.

She will notice your strengths rather than criticize. He will agree to go shopping with you to the mall. She'll give her blessings to that boys' night out for which you've been hankering. In short, a miracle will happen. It will take you back to the times in your relationship when everything was clicking. Besides feeling closer to your spouse, there is another major perk to becoming more sexual, even if you aren't completely in the mood.

You might discover something totally unexpected: your sexual appetite hasn't really vanished, it was merely camouflaged! Although I will explain this in greater detail in the next chapter, you need to know about some exciting new research.

Until now, many experts in the field of human sexuality assumed that all people experience sexual desire in a similar way: something triggers a sexy thought, which triggers an urge to act -- to become sexual with your partner or engage in self-pleasure. Sexual stimulation then makes you feel aroused. But some experts are beginning to question this one-size-fits-all perspective on sexual desire. They've noticed that for some people, sexual desire -- the urge to become sexual -- doesn't precede feeling aroused; it actually follows it.

In other words, some people rarely or never find themselves fantasizing about sex or feeling sexual urges, but when they're open to becoming sexual with their spouses anyway, they often find the sexual stimulation pleasurable, and they become aroused. Once aroused, there is a desire to continue. And that's every bit as much "sexual desire" as the more traditional view of things Basson, If as you're reading this you're thinking, "Yeah, that's me," you may be one of those people whose interest in sex doesn't kick in until you've been physically stimulated, and your body, rather than your mind, tells you it's time.

Your desire to be sexual only happens once the right physical buttons have been pushed. I am extremely excited by this new view of things because it describes to a tee what I've been observing in my practice for years.

I really enjoyed it. At first, many were understandably cautious about my Nike-style approach to their sex life; the "Just Do It" advice ran counter to everything they had believed about how sexual desire unfolds.

But I persisted, and I'm glad I did, because the results spoke for themselves. I could often see the relief on people's faces when they learned that their lack of out-of-the-blue sexual urges didn't necessarily signify a problem.

It didn't mean there was something wrong with them or that something was missing from their marriages. It just meant that they experienced desire differently. Second, when those who do not experience spontaneous lust really took to heart the idea that they weren't flawed, desireless, or sexually apathetic people, their self-concept shifted considerably. But perhaps you're thinking, "Just do it? That sounds way too simple to me," or "Even if I get going, nothing happens," or "I just don't have orgasms anymore, and that's why sex holds no interest for me.

Your reasons for feeling disinterested might be considerably more complicated than that. A healthy sex drive is dependent on a number of complex and often interacting factors. Many things -- fluctuating hormones, medication even birth control pills! In Chapter 2, I identify the main contributing factors to low sexual desire to help you understand your feelings better.

Having said that, I want to caution you about something. Knowing why you're not so interested in sex won't boost your desire one bit. Doing something about it will.

I know many people who become experts on why they've been avoiding physical contact with their spouses while their sex lives continue to go down the tubes. So though it's extremely important for you to identify the potential causes of your lack of desire, it's even more important that you commit to doing something with the information you uncover.

As unromantic as it might sound, even for your more highly sexed spouse, once the intense infatuation characteristic of early relationships wears off and it always does , desire is really a decision. You have to decide to make having a vibrant, exciting, emotionally satisfying sexual relationship a priority. You have to continually discover and rediscover new ways to keep your sexual energy alive. You must consciously work at understanding and keeping up with the changes in your body, your marriage, and the day-to-day demands of your life so that you can keep on reinventing your intimate relationship when it grows stale.

It doesn't just happen. You have to make it happen. With that in mind, you should congratulate yourself right now. There are millions of people in your shoes who are too busy sweeping things under the carpet to acknowledge there's a problem, or simply don't care about their passionless marriages to be reading this book. Instead, they'd be focusing on their spouse's angry behavior and feeling justified for being abstinent for the rest of their lives.

You're way ahead of the game. Good for you! Perhaps you're ready to take your marriage to a better, more loving place. Perhaps you're starting to wonder whether your little inner voice -- the one that whispers, "I'm just not a sexual person" -- may be completely off base.

Although you feel somewhat certain that you may never be someone who swings from chandeliers or thinks that sex is the most important thing in the world, you're starting to question whether a satisfying sex life is still within your reach. It is. You just have to believe it is and then take steps to make it happen. I will show you the way. You've been frustrated by the fact that a great deal of the information available about low sexual desire is geared toward your spouse.

And perhaps you've pondered the irony in the fact that the preponderance of help for low sexual desire is aimed at people who may not even see it as a problem. That's like writing books for people who are overweight or depressed but feel perfectly content with the way they are. What's the use in valuable information if the people who could benefit from it don't think they need it?

That might explain why the piles of books or articles that you've given your spouse on the topic of low sexual desire have become nothing more than an impressive collection of dust collectors. If your spouse hasn't been very receptive to the idea of improving your sex life, you probably have been feeling frustrated and powerless. You shudder at the thought that your spouse has been calling all the shots when it comes to lovemaking.

But the truth is, more than anything else, you have been feeling rejected, hurt, and alone. And now, as you read this book, my guess is that you probably feel comforted that someone is putting your feelings into words.

However, just when you start to think, "See, I told you so! I'm right about our sex life," you shouldn't get smug.

Do yourself a favor, and don't indulge in this sort of self-righteous reflection. Not only is it sorely shortsighted, it's just plain wrong. Even if your spouse's lack of interest in sex stems from personal or physiological causes, you're still not exempt from examining your role in your less-than-satisfying marriage.

As someone who specializes in working with couples, I can tell you that problems in marriage are almost always due to the ways in which both spouses handle challenging situations. When it comes to your sexual differences, if you have been feeling hurt or rejected, I can safely predict that your approach to your desire gap has been less than sterling. Feelings of hurt and rejection often lead to defensiveness, not collaborative solutions.

You will need to examine what you've been thinking, feeling, doing, and saying that might be backfiring; pushing your spouse away rather than bringing him or her closer. You need to become a less reactive, more effective catalyst for positive relationship change.

But how? First of all, you need to understand the real causes of low sexual desire because your favorite theories about your spouse's behavior are probably destructive and inaccurate. For example, you might be thinking that your spouse has been withholding affection out of a lack of love for you.

A person's sex drive may have little or nothing to do with his or her level of love for his or her spouse. In fact, your spouse may love you completely, with all her or his heart and soul, and yet still not desire sex.

Or you might believe your spouse is avoiding intimacy out of mean-spiritedness or vindictiveness. Although a lack of interest in sex has varied causes, generally the intentional desire to impose pain isn't one of them. Your spouse isn't trying to hurt you on purpose. When you truly take this to heart, it will take the sting out of your reactions to him or her. Once you stop recycling inaccurate theories about your spouse, you will become more clear-headed, enabling you to educate yourself with the concrete, reliable information about low sexual desire in this book.

This will offer you greater understanding and empathy, which will allow you to more readily apply the proven passion-restoring techniques I will share with you. Second, since I've been helping couples improve their marriages for years, I have a pretty good idea about which strategies work and which ones don't.

And oddly enough, sometimes the most logical, straightforward approaches to relationship dilemmas simply don't work. That's why I want to offer you a brand new passion-building toolkit filled with ideas that have been field-tested so that you can make your marriage more loving and satisfying. I want to coach you to find better ways to achieve greater intimacy and connection with that most important person in your life.

That's because it is often the case that one spouse is more motivated than the other to read a self-help book or consciously participate in marriage-improving activities. If that's true in your marriage, don't despair. I've learned that marriages can change and grow tremendously even if only one spouse is actively working on things.

You'll learn a great deal about this later, but relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship must change. You just need one person who's willing to tip over the first domino. But your marriage might be different. Maybe you and your spouse actually agree that your sex life needs some more pizzazz. In fact, maybe you've decided to read this book together. If so, that's great! Why not buy two? You'll learn a lot, and you'll be able to use what you learn as a launching point for constructive discussion.

And that will be a good thing because it is too often the case that when couples experience sexual difficulties, they suffer in silence. They avoid talking about sex openly and honestly because it is too uncomfortable and embarrassing.

That's too bad, because most people are pretty lousy mind readers, especially when it comes to sexual fulfillment. We don't know what our partners need and want unless they teach us. Many serious problems with sexuality can be traced to poor or nonexistent communication skills around this sensitive subject.

So I'm going to get you talking -- talking and touching. The Sex-Starved Marriage will offer you specific guidelines for approaching the lull in your sex life as a team. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt amazon. Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. Shoulda by Jennifer Hurvitz. Marriage Rules by Harriet Lerner. Harville Hendrix amazon. Amazon Prime. Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Les and Leslie Parrott. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.

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